I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
