A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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