Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
