Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
