My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Oh god it's open bar.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
