i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
