Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
