Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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