What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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