I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
