I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
