Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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