yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
