Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It's no shave November. This is our time.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
