she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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