you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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