Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
