Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
These tits shall not be calmed
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
