Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Randomize
