took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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