My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
