so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
