I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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