so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
