I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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