i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
