I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
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We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
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We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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