You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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