Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
