May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
