i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
