You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
