I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
