I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
