oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
