So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I have fence marks all over my body
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
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