note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
