So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
