Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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