His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
