toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
