I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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