brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
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Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
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Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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