i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
