I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
