oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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