If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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