Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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