I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
