I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Bring me that man meat
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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