When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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