i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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