It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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