I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I will pee on everything he values.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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