i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
