How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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