I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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