You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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