You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis