I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure