my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
