my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
